Every living soul can crawl.

Havnt blogged purposely for this blog in a long time.

Thought I best had, its a reett clasic way of getting rid of my emotions/thoughts/worries.

So... nothing revolutionary has happened to be honest.

The only thing really worth a mentioning is the way "friends" stab you in the back and come crawling to you with their problems when they need you. Its not unique to me, I know. This happens to everyone. So its not going to take much for me to persuade all of you to join me in shouting "TWATS".

Someone who at one moment you love to bits, you put all your effort into helping them/comforting them through their rough times. Trust them with your life.

Next you hear they have said something. Something small but meaningful.

Why? I have no idea.

I dont know what ive done. How ive done it.
Or how long this so called "friend" has been thinking like this.

But its made me wander.

Look at who I trust. Question that trust.

Question the meaning of the word "Friend".

Who can you trust?

Anyone?

To many questions and not enough time.

So yeah. Oh. My title.

Crawlers. Not clever or mature.

Im not sure if everyone knows what im on about. Im on about a person who will ignore you for months when they are happy/stable etc. and then when the shit hits the fan, come crawling back for your help/affection. Expecting all to be sound, as if nothing happened at all.

What's that about?

Rotten scum.

Its Disgusting.

Yet theres part of me which is telling me to help. Talk. Mend things but I really shouldnt. I know where it will end and what will be said.

Not worth it.

Anyhowwwwww. What a load of shit.
Sorry ferrr boring you all.

Merry Christmas and all that shit.

Some random stuff I wrote the other night, thought I would share it with you :)

Life is love, both are games, some are winners and others are losers. Some know their goal and others aren’t so lucky. A person’s life is defined by a series of decisions, shaped and molded by the most minute of changes in direction. I’ve heard stories of people who have been inspired by something as beautiful yet simplistic as a butterfly floating by on the gloomiest of days, and changing their life dramatically. Cause and effect. Such a thing can remind a man of their purpose, the purpose for which we were created.

I find myself watching creatures, all shapes and sizes, wandering if they feel what I feel. Do they love? Have they ever experienced the anxiety, pain and anger I experience every day? Is an Ants life really as simple as we are lead to believe? Are their only purposes in life really just to; collect food, find a mate and pass away? They have no money worries, no family problems, no emotion, nothing to hold them back. I ask myself, are humans truly the lucky species, the ones that got the break? I wander if there is any need for a civilized species, an intelligent race. What makes us different? There are many questions in life that can’t be answered in words and I believe a human’s biggest purpose is to find our unique answers.

Mother earth would survive without the human race and we need to be reminded, nature would thrive. We have no distinct purpose. Bee’s pollinate plants, a tree produces oxygen and sparrows spread seed from garden to garden. Without these species, nature would struggle. Its daunting to think that nothing, absolutely nothing but our own, rely on humans. In fact all we do is set about to destroy what has taking millions of years to create.

Before our discovery of tools, man was nothing, nothing but another species living in equality in an undisturbed food chain with every other. Back then we had a purpose, we were pray, born and bred simply to provide food for those higher up in the ranking. What gave us the pleasure of evolving into a superior? What sparked our brains to develop? How did we break our mould? Did we truly change for the better?

I AM FAT!

Firstly I need to say sorry for the complete poorness of my last blog. I guess I'm feeling a bit low and needed someone or something to rant to. Unfortunately for your willing ears I chose the media of a blog. A recent conversation with someone close to me has brought back some deep deep memories. Memories of sessions with the psychiatrist during my parents divorce and it really does surprise me just how negative the response to the news of me going a shrink is. Does wanting to talk my problems through with a stranger make me that much of a freak? I mean really?

People out there keep it a secret, they are ashamed of it. I say bollocks. I know how hard it is to pluck up the guts to admit you have a problem and you should be proud of achieving the feat of getting help. All be it some times its about as useful as a chocolate tea pot but for some it can really help. Its obvious however that the many sessions on that couch never helped me. Otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time telling the world how shit my life is. I don't like the stereotype of an Emo. But I guess if an outsider were to stereotype me, I would be such a thing. PHAAA. What a load of bollocks. If there is one thing I hate in the modern day culture its stereotyping. For me to say that however is very hypocritical, I'm forever walking past a guy in a suit of lines, listening to MC and smoking a dog end and classing him as a chav. Looking back on it its disgusting as I hate to be stereotyped but its just become a regular day to day activity.

The thing that stereotyping doesn't take into consideration is the fact that ever single person in the world is different. With no exceptions, all be it, some more beautiful than others. But every single person has upsides, everyone has down sides and no one is perfect. Anyone who thinks they are is kidding themselves and you need to get your head out of your urethra. A thing that's shocked me recently is this "search for perfection". Everyone running around, reading the back of food packets and planning their diets. I my self am very over weight. But I am who I am. People can love me if they want, if not they can take themselves else where. I don't need you. Many people talk of the "inner beauty" but how many of you can honestly stand there and say you have never judged a person by their looks? Got to know them before you made up your mind? At a guess there's none of you out there. I myself, a hater of being judged, have judged many people. A major, major contributor to the obsession for perfection is the media. and its all a load of bull. Editors owe a lot to Photoshop I say.

Anyway, I'm wandering into the realms of a very feminine subject here and will leave you to think what you like. All I'm saying is no one is perfect and you are what you are. Don't ever compare yourself or others to anyone. We are all unique people. And we are all beautiful, you need to feel good about yourself.

Love has no eyes.

Pessimist.

Firstly I would like to wag over my love for a little guy called Jack Jones.
Hes a beaut of a ked and im very lucky to know him.
Its purely down to him in-fact that I am sat here blogging.
Hes been through more shit than a pig on a dairy farm and he doesn't deserve it at all.
However I do truly admire his ambition and his perseverance.

Lately I have discovered a new emotion, one I haven't really felt before and its hard to categorize into a particular emotion. A cross emotion? Do they exist?
No idea, all I know is I really am sick of feeling shit.
Its also come to my attention that people are becoming tired of my constant pessimistic ways.
I really want to wake up tomorrow with the attitude to change my life.
But unfortunately I have become engrossed in my way of life and its going to be way to hard to change. I really dont think I have it in me to change.
And I feel the need to say sorry to all those friends who have stuck with me. I love you.

One thing that has become very apparent to me this month is death.
Morbid? Ayye. Indeed it is.
But I cant help notice that recently I have come to fear it.
Not because I myself will one day no longer exist. But because I cannot bear the thought of loosing someone else close to me. I find myself looking at situations and imagining the worst possible outcomes. All part of being a pessimist I guess.

One small point before I blab on; I used to believe in Karma. But what a load of shit. I was a fool.

Started back at six form, all is well. But I am finding it immensely hard to focus.
To much going on, not enough sleep etc etc.
But deep down I know I need these grades and it sickens me to think I'm not doing enough to achieve them. Gahhh Motivation Please!?

Oh yeah. I officially hate Love. And all of the shit things that come with it.
I fall for the wrong people. They pick me up. Drop me when I need them.
I just wish the emotion did not exist. Its Horrid and Vile.
Dont get me wrong, I have experienced the good side of love. and boy did I enjoy it.
But life is never that easy. Next minute it was all over.
I swore to myself never to fall for its trap again.
Now however I find myself back at the beginning and I've fallen for another.
Grand.
Suppose you have to remind yourself that love can be beautiful and you just have to wait for the one day when the person you love loves you in the same way.
Ways you can not describe in words. Emotions so deep no one can see.
Only you can feel them there. Like the butterflies when you kiss. The warmth in a simple hug.
That's what true love is. True emotion. True understanding.
Love is a way to categorize a set of emotions into one complex, beautiful, meaningful and truly deep word in order to use in day to day conversation.
One thing I do know is the difference between lust and love.
And love fucking hurts.


Anyway, what a load of shite.
Just needed to get that of my chest I guess. No one ever reads it anyway.
Everyone needs a good rant. Just not in the right frame of mind to make it a structured read.
Sorry people.

Havnt Blogged In Time....

Well, to anyone that cares, I haven't blogged in a very long time.

An awful, awful lot has happened in the past month or so.

My dad fell ill, unfortunately suffering from a heart attack.

After a week in hospital and two operations hes back to his normal self, all by it in need of a lot of tender love and care.

Its been weird these past few weeks watching all my mates turn 18.

Parties have been eventful and all in all life has been fun.

~

But what seems to be my problem is when I get home.

I sit down. And I think about things, over and over.

This being the result of the majority of my depression I'm really starting to hate myself.

~

Its been a time for growing both closer and further apart to certain people these past weeks.

I've made new friends, lost old and grew closer to some already established friends.
~

Gone back to school... found a new boost in energy and really trying my hardest to get the grades that I need. Realizing I need to get my life on track in order to achieve my dreams and the life that I want I have found a career rout and need to work hard to get it. And that I shall.
~
I've come to realize that I love all my friends, all my family and all those people that have stood by me. Friends are the most important thing a man could ever have.
Thanks to all mee matess laaa.
Make life worth living.
That and The Smiths anyway.
~
Got my tattoo finally, fun times.
Hurt like a bitch but rather pleased with it.
So yeah. I'm going to go, I'm not going to lie I've lost interest now.
Blog tomorrow about something serious or something.
Promise.

Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before.

After two laptop chargers setting a-light and the input on the laptop its self smoking like a Jew. I decided my laptop was officially knackered. So the Internet has been a very rare treat for me indeed. Now though, with the purchase of a spanking new laptop, I thought i might as well blog again.

~

Its been a very eventful couple of weeks if I'm honest. I re-built a bridge with someone who a couple of years ago used to be my iron anchor in life. As the weeks have gone by, Ive been spending a lot more time with her. Growing, in my eyes closer and closer. Being the "Mans man" I decided to tackle my feelings head on and tell her how I felt. Only to be knocked back, yet her actions, words and body language said other things. Still confused I hung on false hope, only to find she likes someone else. Anyhow. That's the end of that saga in my life.

~

Recently my parents have decided its time for me to pull my weight in the world. This, evidently, resulting in me finding myself a job. Leaving me with, in my mind to little time to keep up my effort in the band. So now the option of leaving my dreams behind and leaving the band is becoming a necessity. Gut wrenching to be honest, but there is no other option for me. I have no idea what I'm going to do at the moment. However I haven't really got that much time to decide. Scared of making any rash decisions, Ive decided to try and sit on my options as long as I can. Being in a position in life, where I have no direction, no one to channel my emotions on and nothing to set my goal on is a scary prospect.

~

I guess what I'm trying to say, is since my last blog, where I had direction and someone to channel my thoughts on, I have lost everything, yet again, and I'm left lounging in a whole greater in size than that of the energy I have left in me. Some may say, I'm "Fucked".

~

With not much more I can do, Ive been to the job centre today and stood next to every chav and his dog, scrounging over the all of the 5 jobs that are available to people with no qualifications. Much the position I'm in, I would be lucky if i found a job. I'm buggered. No options. No avenues and No roads to turn down. Pretty sad state of affairs if I say so myself. Very depressing hole that place, not exactly a place one would expect to find inspiration when stuck in a rut and in desperate need of a job. Life is difficult I will give you that. Sometimes to difficult for people to handle. For me, it seems like its getting to that stage. I thought I had found someone to help me, someone to hold me. But all is lost.

Ahh well.

I must say, I love Jpot.

Future.

The word future does many things for me.

I suppose the biggest of emotions that I associate with the word future is fear.

Future however is also a source of inspiration.

~

I like to sit, looking out of my window and think where I will be in the future, whether I will achieve my dreams and aspirations.

Do I have that dream apartment? Do I live in my dream setting?
I like to think, that with enough hard work and effort, one day I will be there.
Materialist things can be worked for, they can be bought, they can be saved for.
But what about the things that only mother nature can take control of? Love?
Maybe these things are down to luck. Maybe due to individual changes to your own personality.
Would that not mean you were trying to be someone your not? That's a bit pointless in my opinion, you are who you are.
I believe there is someone out there for everyone, and when I think about my future, I believe that one day I will find that person.
~
Recently I have even begun to watch all these interior design programmes on day time TV.
Generally because there is naff all on.
Never-the-less I sit back and look at some of the places that these people live.
Grand Designs is fast becoming my favourite programme.
The people featured have worked their hardest to achieve their dreams and I hope that some day, in the Future I will also achieve everything I want out of life.
The future is what we make it in my opinion.
Great dreams, great aspirations and a great attitude make for a brighter future.
The only way is up.

The first dream I'm going to achieve is moving to New York.

I'm planning on driving there in a nice rusty VW camper, called Dave York.
A dream I'm planning on sharing with someone I have recently met.
And to be honest I couldn't think of a better person.

The future looks to be good.
I can not wait to live the dream.
x

Friends

Last night was band practise, had a right laugh to be honest.

I love them lads. Really keep me going.
Interview with a photographer, hitting the studio next week, getting some mug shots for the ol'myspace, a refreshed site for a new image we think :)

Friends, Tricky word, Tricky subject.

The word Friend seems to have been giving me more and more problems recently.

Seems to me that some peoples perception of the word is different to others.

For instance, in the twenty first century it seems to be impossible for a male to be friends with a female and visa-versa.

Friendships between a woman and a man seem to be subject to constant scrutiny.
Trust seems to be mistaken for love, affection mistaken for lust and compliments mistaken for blind minded fluttery.

Why is it wrong to remind a friend of her beauty? Remind her she has an amazing personality?~
The only difference I can see between her and one of my male friends is her anatomy.
I compliment my male friends all the time, hell, isn't that what friends are all about?
Some times I wish the world would grow up.
A more mature approach to life would make the world would be a better place.
~
You see, if I were to point out a woman's floors, well, that would be perfectly acceptable apparently. But to comment on her perfections, the aspects that make her the person that I know and trust as a friend, that's just frowned upon.
Why? Why has the world become so picky?
So judgemental?
Is this the way you all want to live? Seriously?
We don't live in a society where women are used as tools like we did only a few years ago.
Women have equal rights to men, equal career opportunities. Equal rights in democracy.
So just before you are about to judge a fellow woman on having an equal friendship with a man.
Remember, this is what you all fought for. Equal rights.
We shouldn't live in a sexist environment anymore.
Ancient history. So people, grow up.

Stand down and quit your judging.

The List.

So, today's been a bit of a bore.

Ive come to the decision, hoovering is The most tedious thing.

How can one person living in a house alone for 3 days produce so much dust.

I mean where the hell does it come from! Magic? I think so.

Made quite a few friends this week, randomly.

Spoken to a few new people I've been meaning to chat to for a while.

~

See the problem with a person like me is, I'm a classic specimen for the judge a book by its cover cliche. Its only after people actually speak to me and forget about my looks that they feel comfortable around me.

I think one thing I have realised this week is that I do exactly the same and to be honest I'm ashamed. I'm going to make it my resolution for this year.
Not to judge a book by its cover I suppose what I've learned lately is everyone is interesting and has a story to tell and its truly amazing.
Everyone deserves a chance and everyone is worth my time.
Unless of coarse I know the person enough to claim I dislike them.

~
Everyone I know has experienced if not one, but many things that I, myself am yet to experience.
I'm sad enough to actually own a list of things I want to do. Its ambitious I admit that, but there is nothing wrong with a bit of ambition.
Things like; Moving to New york, Drinking Kopi Luwak and playing on a stage with a Rickenbacker bass in hand.
Lots of materialistic things that I believe, combined with my dreams will make my life worth while. Call me a twat if you like..
But its intriguing to think that one day I may have experienced everything I would like to.
Bring on that day.

Sadly, Money Is Proportionate To Fun.

So tomorrow is a new day, a new horizon.

Not going to bring many treasures, the arrival of my parents,

returning from a weekend of the luxuries of camping.

Fun times indeed. Last night was event full,

Crewe sure delivered its surprises.

Today I realised that mending bridges and keeping your friends close

is the best way to tackle this so called "life".

To be fair though, I couldn't ask for a better bunch of friends.

Some I can rely on for company, others advice.

Never the less the combination of the two creates the

foundations upon which I am able to thrive.

Help is at hand whenever I hit a tough spot, when I hit a

hurdle they provide me with a step to aid my accent.

When I'm down, company is but a phone call away.

This is all a man needs. Honestly. The perfect

relationship is a dream of mine.

But the proof of the pudding is the word friend is a reality.

At the end of the day I think a systematic

approach to things will prove to be superior.

~

One thing I need to slip in here, is my hate for Laptop Chargers.

~

Back to the deep stuff. My mates brothers birthday tomorrow.

He's ruddy ten!

Apparently running round bragging about hes arrival into the

double digit crew.

Oh How I remember those days.

Running down the stairs at 6 am in the morning,

greeted by the smiling faces of the family,

Balloons in every colour imaginable.

Where did all my energy go.

Christ I didn't even get up till gone 8 this this Christmas just gone.

Its crazy. The age of ten I would be up at 3 in the morning,

rummaging around in my stocking looking at the goodies.

Sneaking in a cheeky chocolate.

Most of you will be like, Ash,

your only 17 what are you complaining about...

But honestly I'm immensely afraid I feel

like my childhood has been robbed.

You know that saying... "Time flies when your having fun"

well what a load of bull.

The past 7 years of my life have been nothing of the fun sort,

yet the years have racked up fast as.

5 months time I will be able to legally drink and buy cigarettes, fun.

~

Thing is though. Fun costs. No job, No money, No fun. I see a patern emerging here.

When I was young I would sit my arse on my little push bike

and pedal like mad until I reached the local park.

I would swing along, spin along, climb,

dig in the dirt and general mess about

And I would class it as the "best day of my life"

I would knock on every joe bloggs' door

ask them if they were "playing out".

Life was fun, care free. Now though,

and I hate to sound hard done to,

But I, and indeed my entire generation have been plunged

right into the deep end of a global recession.

Jobs are a rarity therefor money is tight.

No money, no fun.

Life's no fun.

Dreams.

Do you ever wake up and think, hell what am I doing here? I do, a lot. I always find myself floating between dreams and ideas of fame, ideas of riches and success. Sometimes I wish I had the strength to choose one of those dreams, go for it and never give up. Solider on, until a day arrives were I have achieved everything I ever wanted.

~

This enthusiasm is a quality I have discovered in many people over the years, for these people I have pure admiration. The scale of my jealousy was dramatically increased by my introduction to a certain someone only a few weeks ago, full of dreams and targets, that I am almost certain she will achieve.

~

Fueled full of enthusiasm and inspiration I myself have decided to step up my game. Ive chosen a career route and I'm going to do everything I can to find my place in this world. Make my life worth while. Another thing that's become apparent to me recently is that I despise the area that I live in and I'm making it my target to move away. To a more uplifting, fresh and inspirational setting.

~

As I said these are all dreams, dreams are sometimes a sin, a heavy burden and if not achieved sometimes devastating. Some dreams contain love, some a little less heartbreaking-owning your favourite guitar for instance. But monetary and materialistic dreams are nothing compared to the dream of settling down with your dream partner, living in your dream environment, dream house, having a family? There's lots to think about. All I wish for is someone who is willing to spend the rest of their live with me, someone I can trust, someone who I can cherish and also spoil.

~

My mother left our household at a devastating age on my behalf and its taken many years for me to recover from a blow like that. It just goes to show, that no matter who you decide to trust, in marriage and in being responsible for the up bringing of your own children that you will never fully understand the extents of any one's personality.

~

I wish for a better partner, one I can share my dreams with, my ambitions and one who will help and support me along the way. In exchange for the love and affection I believe that I can provide. Most people I speak to about this tell me I'm to young to be thinking about my future, I believe age is no matter. Just numbers, your as mature as you want to be, wise as your experiences let you be.

~

Moral of the story is. Everyone should live by one rule...

Have a dream? Chase it and never give up.