I AM FAT!

Firstly I need to say sorry for the complete poorness of my last blog. I guess I'm feeling a bit low and needed someone or something to rant to. Unfortunately for your willing ears I chose the media of a blog. A recent conversation with someone close to me has brought back some deep deep memories. Memories of sessions with the psychiatrist during my parents divorce and it really does surprise me just how negative the response to the news of me going a shrink is. Does wanting to talk my problems through with a stranger make me that much of a freak? I mean really?

People out there keep it a secret, they are ashamed of it. I say bollocks. I know how hard it is to pluck up the guts to admit you have a problem and you should be proud of achieving the feat of getting help. All be it some times its about as useful as a chocolate tea pot but for some it can really help. Its obvious however that the many sessions on that couch never helped me. Otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time telling the world how shit my life is. I don't like the stereotype of an Emo. But I guess if an outsider were to stereotype me, I would be such a thing. PHAAA. What a load of bollocks. If there is one thing I hate in the modern day culture its stereotyping. For me to say that however is very hypocritical, I'm forever walking past a guy in a suit of lines, listening to MC and smoking a dog end and classing him as a chav. Looking back on it its disgusting as I hate to be stereotyped but its just become a regular day to day activity.

The thing that stereotyping doesn't take into consideration is the fact that ever single person in the world is different. With no exceptions, all be it, some more beautiful than others. But every single person has upsides, everyone has down sides and no one is perfect. Anyone who thinks they are is kidding themselves and you need to get your head out of your urethra. A thing that's shocked me recently is this "search for perfection". Everyone running around, reading the back of food packets and planning their diets. I my self am very over weight. But I am who I am. People can love me if they want, if not they can take themselves else where. I don't need you. Many people talk of the "inner beauty" but how many of you can honestly stand there and say you have never judged a person by their looks? Got to know them before you made up your mind? At a guess there's none of you out there. I myself, a hater of being judged, have judged many people. A major, major contributor to the obsession for perfection is the media. and its all a load of bull. Editors owe a lot to Photoshop I say.

Anyway, I'm wandering into the realms of a very feminine subject here and will leave you to think what you like. All I'm saying is no one is perfect and you are what you are. Don't ever compare yourself or others to anyone. We are all unique people. And we are all beautiful, you need to feel good about yourself.

Love has no eyes.

Pessimist.

Firstly I would like to wag over my love for a little guy called Jack Jones.
Hes a beaut of a ked and im very lucky to know him.
Its purely down to him in-fact that I am sat here blogging.
Hes been through more shit than a pig on a dairy farm and he doesn't deserve it at all.
However I do truly admire his ambition and his perseverance.

Lately I have discovered a new emotion, one I haven't really felt before and its hard to categorize into a particular emotion. A cross emotion? Do they exist?
No idea, all I know is I really am sick of feeling shit.
Its also come to my attention that people are becoming tired of my constant pessimistic ways.
I really want to wake up tomorrow with the attitude to change my life.
But unfortunately I have become engrossed in my way of life and its going to be way to hard to change. I really dont think I have it in me to change.
And I feel the need to say sorry to all those friends who have stuck with me. I love you.

One thing that has become very apparent to me this month is death.
Morbid? Ayye. Indeed it is.
But I cant help notice that recently I have come to fear it.
Not because I myself will one day no longer exist. But because I cannot bear the thought of loosing someone else close to me. I find myself looking at situations and imagining the worst possible outcomes. All part of being a pessimist I guess.

One small point before I blab on; I used to believe in Karma. But what a load of shit. I was a fool.

Started back at six form, all is well. But I am finding it immensely hard to focus.
To much going on, not enough sleep etc etc.
But deep down I know I need these grades and it sickens me to think I'm not doing enough to achieve them. Gahhh Motivation Please!?

Oh yeah. I officially hate Love. And all of the shit things that come with it.
I fall for the wrong people. They pick me up. Drop me when I need them.
I just wish the emotion did not exist. Its Horrid and Vile.
Dont get me wrong, I have experienced the good side of love. and boy did I enjoy it.
But life is never that easy. Next minute it was all over.
I swore to myself never to fall for its trap again.
Now however I find myself back at the beginning and I've fallen for another.
Grand.
Suppose you have to remind yourself that love can be beautiful and you just have to wait for the one day when the person you love loves you in the same way.
Ways you can not describe in words. Emotions so deep no one can see.
Only you can feel them there. Like the butterflies when you kiss. The warmth in a simple hug.
That's what true love is. True emotion. True understanding.
Love is a way to categorize a set of emotions into one complex, beautiful, meaningful and truly deep word in order to use in day to day conversation.
One thing I do know is the difference between lust and love.
And love fucking hurts.


Anyway, what a load of shite.
Just needed to get that of my chest I guess. No one ever reads it anyway.
Everyone needs a good rant. Just not in the right frame of mind to make it a structured read.
Sorry people.